Homemade Dildo Master Class

Put your hand up if this sounds like you;

• My fingernails are too long to pleasure myself
• I’m too young to buy a sex toy online
• I’m on a tight budget that doesn’t allow for sex toys
• I love craft so much it turns me on
• Oh no, I’m on holiday, and I forgot my favourite dildo
• I’m bored of the same old masturbation sessions

Right, then you need to make yourself a homemade dildo!

DIY Dildo Warning

Anything that goes inside your body MUST BE sanitary. We strongly suggest cleaning your homemade sex toy thoroughly and using a condom with it too. If you are using one of the food products, only use it once and discard it when you’re done.

Clean Your Homemade Sex Toy With Soap & Water

One of the best ways to clean a homemade sex toy is to wipe it with warm water and soap. You’ll want to use a clean washcloth; avoid using paper towels. It’s also a great idea to avoid using any cheap soaps loaded with questionable ingredients. I like to clean my toys with Mrs. Meyer’s Clean Day Liquid Hand Soap – a cruelty-free and biodegradable hand wash.

Anti-Bacterial Toy Cleaner

For something a bit stronger, you can use #ToyLife All-Purpose Misting Toy Cleaner. It’s an all-natural and hypoallergenic product that comes in an easy-to-use spray bottle. All you need to do is generously spray your toy, allow the solution to sit and then rinse your toy under warm water.

Different Homemade Dildos and How to Make Them

Here are eight safe and easy ways to make a dildo – the closest thing you’ll get to homemade sex.

1 – Electric Toothbrush

I hate to say it, but you’re missing out if you don’t have an electric toothbrush. Mine serves me well by making me cum like crazy (my housemates heard me moaning last time) and keeping my teeth sparkling clean. And since I take my electric toothbrush with me on my travels, I always have an accessible homemade dildo at the ready.

I insert the handle end, which essentially functions as a dildo and a vibrator. The Oral-B iO Series 9 Electric Toothbrush is my DIY dildo/toothbrush of choice. It’s a perfect size and causes no pain.

2 – Smart Phone App

You’ll thank me for this one – download the “Massager Vibration App” or the “iMassage U Vibrating Massager 4+” app, depending on which OS your phone is running. This turns your mobile into a vibrator which means you’ll have fun, no matter where you are! We wouldn’t advise sticking the device inside you. Also, it works great through clothing.

3 – Conditioner Bottle

Conditioner and shampoo tend to have it all – length and girth. Obviously, you’ll want to use the bottom of the bottle, and don’t stick the cap inside – that will hurt! Don’t wait until they are empty, either. The fuller they are, the better shape they’ll keep.

4 – Cucumber / Carrot / Banana

Be warned, you may never look at a fruit bowl or a salad the same way again. Cucumbers are the closest thing you’ll find to a real-life cock. They come in all shapes and sizes, from mini ones that measure 12 cm to the English-type that reach up to 36 cm. Whatever garden variety of DIY dildo you go for, make sure you carefully inspect it at the market and ensure it’s smooth, clean and not too girthy.

And discard it after use. You don’t want to have to explain to your friends what the interesting flavour in your salad is!

5 – Corn on the Cob

I seriously laughed out loud when I heard people were sticking corn on the cob inside themselves. However, in the name of research, I gave it a go, and it’s pretty damn good! The shape of corn is very similar to that of a cock, and corn is ribbed for her pleasure.

Please, please, please take off the husk. If you don’t, it’ll feel like you’re sticking nature up your vagina.

6 – Perfume Bottle

You’ll probably have a bottle of perfume sitting around somewhere. And if you don’t, you can pick up a cheap scent at pretty much any department store. The trick here is to find one of the right dimensions and made of plastic. A good rule of thumb is to never stick glass inside yourself. Although it’s a remote possibility, you don’t want anything breaking inside you. Plastic is a much safer alternative.

7 – Shower Head

When you get the temperature and pressure just right, you’ll think you’ve died and gone to heaven. One of the very first times that I masturbated was with a shower head in a beachside holiday house. Whilst washing sand away from my womanhood, I discovered the incredible sensation. If you don’t have one of these heads in your bathroom, get onto your hubby or a local plumber to make the changes.

8 – Paper Towel Holder

Let’s not beat around the bush. These things are basically a wooden dildo, with the stand and all. They are very often the perfect size and almost everyone has one in their home. If you don’t, pop down to your local homewares store, and they’ll sort you out. Warning: you will feel like a sexual deviate at the checkout.

9 – Makeup / Hair Brush Handle

Date locked in. Hair done. Makeup on. You’re looking hot! Oh no, your date just cancelled. And you are horny a.f. Never fear, your DIY Dildo expert is here. Grab one of the tools of your beauty trade, jump on the bed and get busy. Then treat yourself to a lovely UberEats dinner for one.

10 – Candle

Who doesn’t have a few candlesticks lying around the house? Time to repurpose one as your new toy. They have great length and girth and are usually a very cheap purchase, meaning you can throw them away when you are done. Best not to burn them post-use; they won’t give off the nicest aroma anymore. 

11 – A Pillow / Men’s Tie

OK, definitely don’t try and force a pillow inside yourself. What I do when I can’t be bothered getting out of bed to find a toy is I tuck a pillow between my thighs and squeeze until it’s applying pressure to my clit. Then you just dry hump away whilst thinking about your latest crush.

A strange alternative to this is a man’s tie. The silky material feels glorious against your naughty bits and when you get the pressure right, it’s phenomenal. I basically create a g-string with it and then use the loose ends to adjust the pressure and friction to my clit. You’re welcome!

12 – Create A Mold Of Your Favourite Cock

Instead of using things around your house, you can get a Copy Me! Penis Casting Ultra Kit from Amazon. Now, if you go this route, you’ll need to borrow a penis. Copy Me! sends you everything you need to create a silicone rubber, medical-grade dildo that’s identical to your favourite one!

Masturbate with a Homemade Dildo and Never Look Back

I love experimenting with DIY dildos and sex toys. I hope my list of alternative dildos gives your next masturbation session a whole new feel. Plus, you’ll never get caught without a sex toy ever again!