Master of Online Dating: The Ultimate Internet Dating Guide
Hey beautiful humans! Welcome to the zoo … I mean the world of online dating. I love online dating for all the weird and wonderful opportunities it throws up.
Online dating can be complicated to navigate, which is why I wrote this comprehensive internet dating guide to save you from the pitfalls and to help you find your perfect match in the virtual dating world.
Are You Match Ready?
The most important question to ask before firing up Tinder is, ‘Am I ready to be in a relationship?’ Dating is emotionally draining for you and the people you’re meeting, so you want to be sure it’s not all for nothing.
Signs you AREN’T ready for a new relationship;
- You’re still in love with your ex
- You’re only doing this to spite your ex
- You’re trying to mend your relationship with your ex
- You’re still grieving / heartbroken
- You have no spare time
- You aren’t happy in your own skin / you don’t know your worth
- You’re thinking about relocating
- You aren’t sure about your sexuality
- You don’t trust anyone
- You’re already in a monogamous relationship
Signs you ARE ready for a new relationship;
- You’re thinking about falling in love
- You’re excited to date and find a new partner
- You’re comfortable your last relationship is behind you
- You trust people aren’t out to hurt you
- You are attracted to someone
- You don’t feel like you need a relationship
The last point might seem counter-intuitive, but it means you’re back to neutral after your last relationship and in an AWESOME place to start fresh.
What Are You Looking For?
While most people date to find a partner (roughly 70%), that isn’t the only reason people go dating. You need to be open and honest when meeting new people, so you aren’t wasting each other’s time.
So what are you looking for;
- Quick hookup
- Friend with benefits
- Friend (might sound weird, but I have come across this plenty)
- Partner swap
- Third person for a threesome
- Committed partner
- Wife/husband
- Someone to have children with
- Second parent to your child
There’s no right or wrong answer as long as you’re genuine. It’s natural to change your mind with time too. You might start out wanting nothing more than a fuck-buddy, but as you meet some good people, that changes to wanting a partner. The key is to communicate your intentions well.
Internet Dating
The best thing about online dating is it’s easy for anyone to use. The worst thing about online dating is it’s easy for anyone to use. No, you aren’t seeing double. Having a huge pool of people to choose from definitely increases your odds of finding a perfect match. But with that comes the scumbags lurking in the shadows. Always have your guard up to start with, and if something seems too good to be true, it usually is.
So Why Go Online Dating?
The benefits of online dating;
- Exposure to a massive pool of singles
- Engage with matches before meeting them
- Easy to find like-minded singles to connect with
- Connect with people you wouldn’t meet in everyday life
- Curated matches
- You aren’t brave enough to approach people in public
- To be sure a person is single and actively looking
- An avenue to meet people during covid
Negatives of internet dating
- Scam artists, trolls and catfish
- Identity theft (though not common)
- Easy for users to be dishonest about themselves
- Attracts cheaters
- Dehumanises people
- Builds unrealistic expectations of a match before you’ve met
- An overwhelming amount of choice
- Communication can be difficult without expressions and body language
- Costly depending on which site you use
Which Site To Use?
This will depend on a few things like age, where you live, your sexuality and what type of relationship you’re looking for. New apps pop up every day while old ones disappear, so it’s definitely well worth doing your own research beyond the advice below.
Saying that, most apps make it painfully easy to get started and are either free or offer free trials, so there is nothing stopping you from trying a few out and settling on your favourite.
Biggest & Best Dating Sites In 2021
Tinder: Casual dating and hookups
Pros: Largest user base of all apps, easy to navigate, free plan available, can only communicate with people you match with, LBGTQ search functionality, video dating feature
Cons: Some paid features, too easy to be anonymous, short dating profiles, platform has been hacked several times
Bumble: Tinder for women
Pros: Women have to message first (which keeps the men at bay), friend finding feature, video chat, free plan available, blurs nudes sent to you (no more unwanted dick pics), very LBGTQ friendly
Cons: Limited communication options for men
Hinge: Serious relationship finder
Pros: Comprehensive profiles, good matching criteria, large user base, easy to use, free plan available, half the members are under 30, very LBGTQ friendly
Cons: Can only interact with your ten suggested matches per day unless you upgrade to a paid plan, young user base
Plenty of Fish: Huge pool of users
Pros: Been around since the birth of time, biggest user base next to Tinder, free to view profiles and message, video dating feature, free plan available, good for rural and small cities, great filter options
Cons: Older user base, higher volume of scam artists than other platforms, a larger amount of competition
eHarmony: People looking for serious commitments
Pros: Pioneer of internet dating, heavily curated matches, money-back guarantee, detailed profiles, video dating feature, free plan available
Cons: Limited features on the free plan, expensive paid plans, an endless questionnaire to fill out before viewing matches, was legally forced to include LBGTQ dating (FROWN!)
Match: Original dating app for everybody
Pros: One of the first dating sites to hit the net, great app to use, great filtering, video dating feature, free plan available
Cons: Can’t message with the free plan, issues with fake profiles, inactive users stay in the search results
Coffee Meets Bagels: The one with the silly name
Pros: Curated daily matches, detailed profiles, free plan available
Cons: Lots of gimmick features, hard to use, silly name (remember everyone always asks where you two met), pushy reminders to connect with matches, expensive premium service
OKCupid: Serious relationships
Pro: Best free site, easy to use app, highly detailed profiles, curated matches, can only communicate with people you match with, very LBGTQ friendly, free plan available
Cons: Smaller user base than other sites in this list, no cost means lots of scammers
Zoosk: Easy to use
Pro: Huge user base, active users, easy to sign up and navigate, verification option, free plan available
Cons: Zoosk coins are expensive, limited match suggestions
Facebook Dating: Huge database of singles
Pro: Free (no paid plans), easy to use, same Facebook app you’re already using, imports information from your Facebook profile, dating activity is kept separate from your normal Facebook activity
Cons: Only available using the app, unmatched people can communicate with you
LBGTQ Dating Sites
While all of the above apps have some sort of search functionality for LBGTQ users, the following apps are designed specifically for the LGBTQ community.
Grinder: Where gay men go
Pros: Largest gay male user base, users make intentions known, hookup friendly, campaigns for LBGTQ protection
Cons: Expensive premium service, known to be lax with privacy, plenty of bots, heavy on the filth, not for serious relationships, some biphobia and hate towards queer women by users.
Lex: Different user interface for queer and non-binary
Pros: Detailed profiles, no selfie pressure, zero tolerance for creeps and hate speech
Cons: Small user base, no photos
Her: Designed for lesbians
Pros: Largest LBGTQ female user base, easy to use (similar to Tinder), niche message boards, cheap premium plan, a dedicated spot for pronouns
Cons: Limited free functionality, recycling of profiles in feed, biphobia from some users
Feeld: Polyamorous meeting ground
Pros: Large range of gender and sexuality options, good for couples, users are upfront about their intentions, fetish dating
Cons: Small user base in certain locations
Scruff: Geosocial and gay dating
Pros: GBTQ community, unique travelling feature, AI used in matchmaking, good search filters, easy to use platform, video calling
Cons: App is known to crash, free members are bombarded with ads
Chappy: For queer men
Pros: Free! Select whether you want to see unsolicited nudes, restricts messaging to matches only, strong user code of conduct, user-friendly interface, good safety protection
Cons: UK focused, can’t message until you’ve matched, only available in app form
Fetish Dating Sites
I love a good fetish dating site, though it’s worth noting that their user bases are far smaller than mainstream dating sites, especially if you aren’t in a big city.
Fetlife: Facebook of kinksters (their term, not mine)
Pros: Large user base, good fetish filtering services, free version is very comprehensive, group discussions
Cons: Male-dominated site, heavily American user base
KinkD: Safety first
Pros: Photo verification with ID, open-minded community, very sex-positive, easy to use interface
Cons: Limited swipes as a free member
Whiplr: Casual sex and hookups
Pros: Free version available, couples welcome, large user base, video and audio chat, over 230 fetishes to choose from
Cons: No desktop version, free full access only for women, expensive premium service, no nude photo exchange
Obedience: BDSM habit tracker
Pros: A BDSM lifestyle app, free to use, cheap pro plan
Cons: Small user base in your local area
Should You Pay To Play?
A few years ago, I would have said no, especially if you’re a woman (sites used to be heavily female biased to attract us to their platforms). Most sites still offer a free version of their software but with a limited feature set. So join a few sites that sound like they might be for you and try their free/trial versions before signing up for any paid plans.
If you’re serious about finding a match, you’ll want to cast the most extensive net you can, which means you’ll want the premium paid plan.
Searching For Matches
While every app is different, most are simple to use and share the same features and search functionality. It’s good to dial in your search criteria so you aren’t wading through swarms of granddads and barely legals.
The basics to tune into are age, location (unless long drives are your thing) and sexuality. Beyond that, it’s up to you to find what you’re looking for.
Your Online Dating Profile
Focus your energy on this step because most people will vet your profile in a few seconds, so it has to stand out. Be honest and be real because it’ll come out eventually, and you don’t want to start a new relationship with a big lie.
Photo: Whether you like it or not, most people will judge your profile by the first photo, so make it a good one by choosing something that shows who you are in a genuine way.
Do’s;
- Use a photo you’ve taken in the last year otherwise your first date will start with disappointment
- Analyse the photo with a friend of the sex you are trying to attract to make sure you’ve chosen wisely
- At least one close-up selfie-style photo
- At least one full-length photo
- Use action shots i.e. skiing, riding, playing an instrument, etc
- Show your vitality for life, your nature and your successes
- Don’t be too showy
- Use as many photos as the app allows
- Smile!
Don’ts
- It should go without saying, but 95% of people avoid accounts without photos (because it screams, “I’m cheating!” or “I’m a scam artist!”)
- No group photos—they’re confusing and could lead to disappointment
- Don’t use erotic or suggestive photos (unless the plan is to attract creeps)
Description: 64% of people are looking to meet someone with common interests. So you really want to highlight your hobbies, work, values, musical taste and creative outlets. You don’t want to give everything away before you’ve met either, so keep plenty of detail back to promote an air of mystery and to give your matches something to ask you about. Don’t be negative in any way, and definitely don’t mention your ex.
If you’re struggling to come up with a bio, try the following;
- Ask some friends to define you in a few short words
- See what others are writing to get a feel for what to include
- Ask yourself what you want people to know about you
- Ask yourself what past partners loved about you
- Ask yourself what makes you different to everyone else
- Think about what your deal breakers are and what others might see as deal breakers in you
- What have you said in your non-dating profiles? Facebook/LinkedIn/Instagram etc
Beware Of Catfish
Your homework is to watch Catfish because it’s a good reminder of how dishonest people can be. In reality, catfish like that are quite rare. I’ve only been catfished once in countless dates (his profile photos were of someone else).
Be wary of the following;
- People that make excuses why they can’t meet or video chat
- Ask for lots of personal details but withhold their own details
- Situations that seem too good to be true
- People that tell you sob stories
- People that escalate the dating process rapidly
- Anyone that gets pushy, aggressive or angry
If you’re worried, do some research and go with your gut. If it smells like a rat, it most likely is. To be safe, you should block the account and report it to the site to prevent someone else from falling into their trap.
If you’ve been scammed out of money or defrauded in some way, contact your local police and take as many screenshots of your interactions as you can for evidence (on top of reporting it to the site).
First Move
Making the first move online can be just as tricky as in real life. Because of the volume of approaches people get on dating sites, they can afford to be picky with their veto power. Too reserved = boring, too energetic = weird, too deep = crazy.
NB: Depending on your sex and the site you are using, you may notice that you’re approached so often that you don’t have to approach others. If that is you, be kind to anyone making an approach. The exception to this is if you feel harassed, in which case you should report the interaction to the site.
Roadmap to great approaches;
Goal: Your aim isn’t to ask the person out as quickly as possible. It’s to work out if you’re compatible enough to explore a relationship. Challenge your perception of your match the whole way along, and be prepared to cut your losses if your dreamboat springs a leak.
Don’t take it personally: Internet dating can feel like the Bermuda triangle. Where on Earth did that lovely message I constructed go? Did the person not see it? Did they take it the wrong way? Did they…? Did they…? Life is short. If someone doesn’t respond to you, move on. There are too many fish in the sea to get hung up wondering why Nemo has ghosted you.
Personalise your approach: Pick something out of your victim’s, I mean, your match’s profile to engage with them on. This shows you’ve actually read their profile (not as common as you may think) which should set you out amongst the crowd.
I came in like a wrecking ball: Unless you are Miley Cyrus, I suggest a more graceful approach. Compliment them on their style, hobbies, pets, etc. Don’t compliment their looks—people like to be seen as more than a physical asset.
Lame jokes and pickup lines can work though it depends on the person receiving them. If they don’t think your line is cute/endearing, you’re dead in the water.
Topics to stay away from;
- Anything that divides people, i.e. politics, abortion, religion, COVID, etc
- Ex partners
- Anything that sounds like whining/bitching
- Work to a certain extent. If the person has a passionate job, this is ok, but most people hate their jobs and don’t want to talk about them
- How much you like them (hi, stalker)
- Money
- Sex (unless you’re on a fetish dating site where people get straight to the punch)
Topics to go for;
- Local recommendations, i.e. bars, restaurants, yoga schools, gyms, etc
- Hobbies
- Passions
- Problem-solving—ask your potential partner for advice on an issue you’re having
- Music/tv/movies/art
- Pets
- Goals for the future
- Spirituality
- Anything happy or upbeat
Don’t follow up: Any more than one attempt to get someone’s attention is harassment. Don’t go there. Let go and move on.
Yay, they replied: You got to first base! What now? Be cool and let a conversation unfold. Try to find your mutual ground, as this is where connections grow. That doesn’t mean interrogate them. Remember, a relationship is all about push and pull. Give a little, keep a little back, ask a few questions, tell a few stories. If they take a while to respond, don’t reply in 0.0003 nanoseconds.
Popping The Question
Firstly, lets LOL at my picture choice. I really hope it freaked you out! Sorry, I’m naughty.
Before you make your move, make sure you’ve exchanged a good amount of conversation with your match. Of course, every situation is different, though on average, you should make a move in the first week of connecting. Any longer and you don’t look confident in yourself.
A day or two is fine if you’ve had plenty of meaningful conversations and you’re getting the right vibe.
When you’re ready, wait to get a conversation rolling with an upbeat tone, then throw it out there;
- ‘How about we discuss this over a drink?’
- ‘I’d like to take you there for dinner?’
- ‘Do you fancy a coffee?’
- ‘Would you like to go for a walk through the park?’
Don’t suggest a first date at your house (creepy) or theirs (equally as creepy).
AND RESPECT THEIR ANSWER. If they say no, don’t try to talk them around. If they say not yet, then be patient and don’t ask them every two seconds.
Where To Meet
Picking a place can make or break a date. Think about things like;
- Location and accessibility for both people
- If you’re drinking, how will you get home
- Is the venue too loud to talk
- Are there too many distractions to be able to focus on each other
- Can you easily leave once you’re there
Here is a list of good date ideas;
- Stroll in the park / botanical gardens
- Walk on the beach
- Meet at an arcade
- Local comedy night
- Poetry reading
- Wine or brewery tasting
- Ice or rolla-skating
- Aquarium (my personal favourite)
- Picnic with a view
- Indoor rock climbing (if you’re into your fitness)
- Shoot some pool
- Trampoline park
- Open-air concert/play
I love this list because they’re all lively places with plenty going on to keep you engaged.
If You’re Approached
Be flattered! It’s not an easy thing to do. Give the person the time of day and check out their profile before replying. If you see enough in common, say hi back. If you don’t, move on. Don’t send them a list of reasons why you’re out of their league.
Be wary! If an approach seems too good to be true, there’s a good chance it is and you may be dealing with a catfish or scammer. (See Beware Of Catfish)
Cut Them Some Slack: Even the most normal people can come across as weird when you don’t know their personality. If someone sends you a curly message, ask them what they meant before hitting delete. You might just find yourself a loveable goofball.
First Date
Yay! You’re going on a date. So why does it feel like your head is about to explode? Because you’re about to meet someone you don’t know and anything could happen—from finding your dream partner to climbing out the bathroom window. If you vetted them well, the latter shouldn’t be likely.
Safety First
Follow these tips to keep yourself safe on your first date;
- Make sure you’ve gotten to know the person well beforehand
- Take your own transport
- Meet in a public place i.e. bar, restaurant, busy park
- Meet in the day
- Let someone you trust know where you are going, who you are going to meet and when you’ll check in with them again
- If something feels off, act on it
- Go home alone
- Keep your phone on, charged and handy
- Don’t stray from your plan
Get There Early
Hopefully, you know that being late is being inconsiderate with someone else’s time. Being early also gives you a chance to scope out parking and the location, as well as any last-minute sprucing up you might need to do.
People Love Talking About Themselves
Shut up, let me talk! But seriously, why bear all the conversational pressure when you can make your date do all the heavy lifting? Do this by firing questions at them and giving them room to talk. Then just pick interesting threads from their spiels to keep the conversation moving.
If your date does this to you, then you have carte blanche to talk about yourself. Think about the basic questions you’ll get asked and come up with answers that highlight your strengths, i.e. you are passionate/fun/artistic/down to earth/full of adventure.
You will get asked these questions (or some variation of them);
- What do you do for fun?
- What do you do for work?
- Do you have any pets?
- Do you like to travel?
- What’s your favourite sport?
- What do you watch on tv?
- What kind of music are you into?
- What’s on your bucket list?
- Can I finish the chips on your plate? No, next question!
Open-ended questions like these are great because they give the person room to move, they can talk about something they love, and it buys you plenty of time to think about what to say next.
Conversation Starters
Here’s a great list of talking points to get you started;
- What are you passionate about?
- What’s something I wouldn’t guess about you?
- What’s your dream job?
- What’s the most fulfilling part of your job?
- What makes you laugh?
- If you won the lotto, what would you do all day?
- Who do you talk to the most and why?
- What’s left on your bucket list? What have you crossed off already?
- What do you do to give back?
- What genre do you love to read?
- Who is the most influential person in your life?
- How do you stay active?
- What’s your creative outlet?
What Not To Say
I once talked about the arrest of a serial killer on a first date because it was big in the news that week, and I knew my date would know about it. Needless to say, that date progressed to splitting the bill, a brisk walk back to the car and subsequent ghosting.
My point is to keep your conversation upbeat and positive. If it does stray to the negative, which can happen when you’re digging into peoples lives, then pull it back with a subject change.
What Are They Talking About?
Listening closely to what other people say reveals a lot about them. Is everything just a segway for them to talk about themselves? Do they refer to everything negatively? Who do they blame for issues in their life? Are they seizing life or waiting for it to come to them? Are their friends all new? Do they help others or are they in it for themselves?
During your first few dates, you want to uncover any deal-breakers either of you might have. Things like marriage/kids/travel/work/lifestyle.
The Dreaded Ex Conversation
Your date has just committed the ultimate faux pas and has asked about your ex. Keep your answer short and sweet – don’t slag them off – don’t praise them too much – don’t blame them for all of your problems. And be respectful of them because your date might be in their shoes one day.
Build A Connection
Try to draw parallels between their experiences and your interests. This is bonding in its simplest form. The more you can do it, the more connected you two will feel. Opposites can attract too, so don’t stress if you aren’t into everything they are, though think about the logistics of how your future will play out if you guys are at opposite ends of the spectrum.
Should I Do A Runner?
It’s always your option to leave a date at any point. Your safety comes first, so if you need to bail, then do it quickly and discreetly.
But if you’re just bored and want to get home to watch Love Island, then don’t. Finish your mains, ask for the bill and leave on respectable terms.
Bad Dates
Bad dates are learning experiences. Analyse what happened if it didn’t go well and use that information to tune your search process. Don’t jump to silly conclusions or blame yourself. Sure, if there is a pattern forming, you might want to analyse your game, but what’s more likely is that the spark just wasn’t there and that’s totally fine. Move on and go again.
Splitting The Cheque
In the modern dating world, the done thing is to split a bill. The odd person will insist on paying, and that’s fine. But that doesn’t mean you owe them anything (like a kiss or second date).
Parting Ways
The date’s done, and you both survived. Yay! What now? That’s your call, and it depends how it all went. There’s nothing wrong with a parting hug, a snog as long as it’s mutual or simply waving goodbye. If you had a great date, then say so. If you didn’t, then smile and leave. Simple!
Let’s Do This Again
If the date went well, you’ll inevitably get asked if you’d like to do it again. NEVER feel pressured to go on a second date. Be honest. If you aren’t feeling it, it’s unlikely a second date will help, so this is a good time to tell them.
Don’t ghost out though, that’s just poor form. The only exception is if you feel threatened by the person.
This Feels So Right. I’m Going To Go Home With Them
Look, I am aware that some of you will ignore all of my advice and sleep with your new match on the first date. We’ve all been there. And honestly, if the person is respectful, genuine and there’s an outrageously good connection between the two of you, then hey, who am I to stop you?
All I’ll say is be careful and use protection. Don’t turn a rash decision into a life-long regret.
Exclusivity
Everyone approaches dating differently. Just because you have certain rules about only seeing one person at a time doesn’t mean the other person will too. If this is a deal-breaker, mention it before your first date. Having a couple of irons in the fire is a good way of levelling out the ups and downs of dating, and it stops you from getting too hung up on any one person.
Wait until date three before having this chat with your new match. If you can’t agree, then walk away. If you feel comfortable with a compromise, then off you go. If you both want to play the field, that’s fine too—just be mindful of STD’s and use protection.
Finding Your Diamond In The Rough
Be patient and prepared to go on quite a few first dates. Forcing a relationship doesn’t work, and it will only lead to heartache.
A good match is someone that;
- Makes you light up when you’re around them
- Makes you smile when you aren’t around them
- Makes you excited to see them again
- Respects you for exactly who you are
- Has a similar value set to you
- Wants to grow a relationship with you
- Is positive and upbeat about their future
If your match isn’t ticking almost all of these boxes, and you’ve given it a few dates, then walk away.
Dating During Covid
Some of the craziest internet dates I’ve had were during covid isolation. Obviously, don’t break the law for a date. You don’t want to start a new relationship by making the news as the latest super-spreader couple that met on Tinder.
Most isolation rules allow for exercise. A walk around a local park is a great idea for that first meet when everything else is closed.
If you must do the first date at home, follow these steps;
- Do as much research on the person as possible
- Go on a few virtual dates first: You will get the same feel for a person as meeting in the flesh
- Have an escape plan
- Take your own transport
- Check-in with a chaperone at certain times during the date—give them the address and details of the person you’re going to see
- Chat for a few weeks before meeting—scammers and scumbags are always impatient
Virtual date ideas;
- Netflix and virtual chill
- Share a takeaway
- Go on a virtual tour of a gallery, zoo or museum—the Louvre and NASA both run virtual tours
- Listen to a virtual concert
- Watch a comedy special
- Share a champagne
- Virtual art class, there are some great ones on YouTube
- Virtual escape room
Go Forth & Internet Date
I really hope you learnt a lot during our time together. Yes, online dating can be a scary jungle, but by following a few simple rules and exercising your better judgement, there is no reason you won’t survive it and hopefully find your perfect match. Happy dating!