Master of Splitting: The Ultimate Break Up Guide

Breaking up with someone is one of the hardest things we have to do. It’s daunting for a range of reasons which is often why our feet turn cold in the process. So let’s get through this together and look at the when, why and how of splitting up with someone.

Table of Contents

When you shouldn’t break up?
When Not To Break Up
Diary Decider
When To See A Psychologist or Counsellor
Non-Mutual Break Ups
Breaking Up Isn’t A Failure
We Were On A Break!
But I’m In Love
But I’m Going To Hurt Them
The Plan
Should You Stay Friends?
They’ve Changed. Should I Take Them Back?
I’m Single Again. What On Earth Am I Supposed To Do Now?
Good Luck & God Speed!

When Should You Break Up?

Let’s start with the million-dollar question. Humans have an amazing ability to turn a blind eye to what they know is wrong just to keep the peace. But at some point, a line is crossed and you need to take action. Below is a list of behaviours that are unacceptable.

Deal-Breakers

• Your partner has abused you—emotionally, sexually or physically
• Your partner is a narcissist/psychopath/manipulator
• Your partner is an addict—especially alcohol, drugs or gambling
• Your partner steals from you
• Your emotional needs aren’t being met
• Your partner’s actions are compromising your health
• Your partner has cheated on you—too many people give this a pass, DON’T!
• Your partner has broken your trust
• Your partner doesn’t trust you
• Your partner lies to you
• Your partner is isolating you from friends and loved ones
• You are scared of your partner
• You can’t see your partner in your future
• You are cheating on your partner
• You want to see other people
• You know your relationship is toxic
• You want to leave the relationship, but someone is shaming you into staying
• You no longer find your partner attractive
• You’re staying together just for the kids
• Your mood changes negatively anytime you are with your partner
• You’d rather be with your friends than your partner
• Your friends and family don’t support your partner
• You know breaking up is the right thing to do

If one or more of these describes your situation, it’s time to leave.

Big Red Flags

• Your partner neglects you or doesn’t make you a priority in their life
• Your partner flirts with other people
• Your partner seems to keep a lot of things from you
• Your partner is withholding affection as punishment
• You are living separate lives
• You regularly fantasise about other people
• You or your partner is being dishonest about finances
• You and your partner no longer have sex
• You spend very little quality time together
• Your partner is very clingy
• You feel stuck or bored in your relationship
• You argue regularly
• You don’t see eye to eye on anything
• You keep hoping your partner will change
• You resent your partner
• You feel like you need to keep secrets

If one or more of these describes your situation, it’s time to take action as you are in an unhealthy relationship.

When Not To BreakUp

How do you know when you should give your relationship more time? When you still have good communication, you feel optimistic that your issues can be resolved and both parties are willing to work towards a solution. An open and honest conversation should resolve most issues in a healthy relationship.

Diary Decider

If you are still unsure about what you should do, then keep a journal for a few months to help you solidify your feelings. You don’t need to write much but include; how you feel about yourself, how you feel about your partner and how you feel about your future. After you’ve kept it up for a month, go back and read all of your entries. This should give you a clear view of where you are at.

When To See A Psychologist or Counsellor

There’s no right or wrong answer to this one, and you should never worry about wasting a professional’s time. Part of their duty is to assess your initial situation, and they’ll know by the end of your visit whether you require more sessions. Everywhere is different, but you’ll usually need a referral to see a psychologist (counsellors don’t require referrals), so a GP is an excellent first point of call.

• When you have tried talking through an issue but can’t seem to agree and can’t move forward
• You aren’t communicating well
• You’ve been through a trauma
• You are afraid to talk
• Something feels wrong, but you aren’t sure what
• When either of you is suggesting it
• You can’t bring yourself to tell your partner something important
• Your relationship is stuck
• Physical or emotional intimacy has significantly declined
• When you have the same argument over and over

Psychologists, Counsellors and EAPs

I’ve spent a lot of time with psychologists for treatment of my abuse, and I’ve always found them to be incredibly caring, insightful and genuinely concerned about my wellbeing. Speaking to a third party that doesn’t know you and has formal training in relationships will give you a solid perspective on your situation.

But I can’t afford it, you say. Firstly, your mental health should come before every other need in your life. Secondly, price it up, you might be surprised. Thirdly, if you can’t afford a psychologist, a good relationship or sex counsellor can be just as helpful. Fourthly, see if your insurance policy covers mental health care (if it doesn’t, you should be adding that feature or changing to one that does). Fifthly, enquire if your work has an EAP Program.

Employee Assistance Programs have spread widely throughout the corporate world in response to the growing mental health care problems in our society. Most medium and all large-sized companies should have one. An EAP is run by an external contractor who provides professional mental health support. The service is paid for by the company, so it’s free for you to use and is always anonymous, so your employer won’t know you’re struggling.

As a last resort, talk to a range of people that have your best interests at heart. If you hear the same thing from all of them, act on it.

Non-Mutual Break Ups

Just because both of you aren’t ready to walk out of the door, doesn’t mean you should stay. 78% of break-ups are one-sided. You know the old saying, it takes two to tango? Well, this is the exception.

Breaking Up Isn’t A Failure

All too often, people see a break-up as a failure. But the reality is that people and situations change with time and what was once a beautiful pairing is no longer that.

The real failure is being in a broken relationship for too long. Life is short, don’t miss out on your dream partner by holding onto the wrong one.

We Were On A Break!

Hopefully, the friends fans out there got the title of this section. A break relieves you from the stresses and responsibilities of your relationship. It means you can stand back and think with a clear head. It means you get to see and feel what a life without your partner would be like.

Will it lead to a break-up in the end? Probably, though it depends on your situation.

When shouldn’t you take a break?

• To punish/threaten your partner
• If you think there is no chance of getting back together
• If a conversation or therapy can resolve your issues
• To get a free pass to sleep with someone else (Yes, I’m talking about you, Ross)

If you do decide to take a break, don’t set a time to get back together. Judge whether you should or shouldn’t by how you feel, not by how much time has gone past.

When you’re on a break, do the following;

• Stay physically and socially active
• Visit family and friends
• Analyse your relationship’s issues from both points of views
• Be kind to yourself
• Let yourself feel lonely
• Give yourself time to think, don’t just throw yourself into a Sex and The City marathon

If you feel happier on your own than you did with your partner, it’s time to end your relationship for good.

But I’m In Love

I get it—you love him. But we’ve already established you’re in a toxic relationship—one that’s destroying you and taking away your life, your happiness and your pride.

When we fall in love, our brain makes a chemical connection to the memory of that person. Then whenever you see, hear or think about them, your brain swells with dopamine which makes you high and happy to rationalise your partner’s poor behaviour.

The deciding factor shouldn’t be whether you’re in love but whether you’re in a healthy relationship.

But I’m Going To Hurt Them

You are only responsible for one person and one person alone, YOU. Just because they don’t see it doesn’t mean the relationship is good for them either. With time they will adjust and move on. Remember, you have to break a few eggs to make an omelette.

The Plan

If you fail to plan, you plan to fail (my dad will smile like a galoot when he sees I’ve dropped that line into my writing). Read that piece of wisdom again and again until you’ve got it.

Your brain is going to fuck with you through every step of this journey as well as after it’s done. Making a plan to see you through each phase will drastically increase your chances of success.

When Should I Do It

ASAP. We’ve established this needs to be done, so don’t procrastinate. If I got paid a dollar for every time I heard a friend say, ‘I’ll break it off after my cousin’s dog’s breeder’s son’s baptism’, then don’t, I’d be filthy rich. This kind of talk is the art of procrastination at its finest. Just as there is never a convenient time to die, there’s never a convenient time to break up. So get it done, NOW!

Give yourself enough time to think through all of the components in this section before pulling the trigger.

Buddy system

It’s time to phone a friend. Or anyone that you know is going to be able to support you emotionally. Parents can be great too, even if you can see their lips warming up to say, ‘I told you he was no good.’

Your buddy will get you through the pre-break-up-nerves, your buddy will be waiting afterwards with the ice cream, your buddy will eat pizza with you that first weekend you’re home alone and your buddy will be there when you dive into the world of dating and hopefully be a solid little wingman.

Give your buddy a heads-up of what is happening and when, so they can prepare themselves and blot out some time for you.

Together you are stronger, and together you will survive.

Face To Face or Over The Phone

People seem to judge others for breaking up remotely. But those armchair bandits aren’t in your shoes and are the least of your worries. Don’t worry about what anyone thinks. You are doing this FOR YOU AND ONLY FOR YOU.

Consider an over the phone break-up if;

• You suspect the person will harm you or themselves
• You suspect you’ll cave when you see them—this goes back to the dopamine problem—if you can do it remotely, then you aren’t fighting your brains chemistry by staring at the person you’re programmed to need

Consider a face to face break-up if;

• You feel safe with them
• You don’t think it will drastically lower your chances of caving

The Location

If you feel safe with your partner, then it’s best to do it in private to spare you both any unnecessary embarrassment. If you don’t live together, then do it at their place so you can get up and leave when you are ready. If you live together, then you need to think through the logistics of what happens next.

If you don’t feel safe with your partner, and you are determined to do it face to face, then do it in a public place and take a friend/cousin/parent/dog for protection and do it in the light of day.

Preparing Yourself Emotionally

Once you’re set on ending it, you are already somewhat prepared emotionally. This is one of the few times in life you need to focus on another person’s negatives. Write a list of all the reasons you are breaking up with them. This will be coffee for your emotional willpower and will hopefully get you over the line.

Allow yourself to smile at your future. You are nearly free! In a few days, you will have a new lease on life, a new path forward and nobody to hold you back. Use that positivity to fuel your engine and get you over the line.

What To Say

“Listen up, you fucking idiot. I don’t like you, nobody likes you, not even my dog, and he likes everyone!” Nah, don’t say that. In fact, don’t say anything you know will antagonise the other person. Easier said than done when you’re about to tell someone to get out of your life because you have a fundamental problem with them, but hey, I said this was going to be hard, didn’t I?

So, make sure your spiel ticks all of these boxes;

• Think about what you’re going to say
• Keep it short and sweet
• Stick to the facts—don’t start speculating or throwing out conjecture—you don’t want to give your partner ammunition to fire back with
• Remain as emotionally calm as you can
• Avoid pointing fingers
• Own your issues

A good statement would be something like this.

“Michael, it hurts me to know this will hurt you, but I need to break up with you. It’s because you cheated on me with Rebecca, and I no longer love you. I’m going to stay with a friend tonight. I want you moved out by the end of tomorrow.”

Being direct and clear like this gives the other person good closure because they know why it’s happened. It also gives them less room to argue, which should help smooth out your break-up.

Another example would be.

“James, I have given this a lot of careful thought, and I’ve decided to break up with you. I’m on a new path that I want to walk alone so I can focus on myself. I’m going to pack my things, and I will be out of the house by the end of the day. ”

Here you’ve owned the change, you haven’t pointed any fingers other than at yourself, you’ve given a clear reason why and you sound confident in the outcome you want.

Don’t get drunk or high before breaking up with someone. You need to be on your A-Game if you want this to stick. Alcohol and drugs will increase your failure rate by making you emotional.

During this step, think about what your partner’s going to respond with, their potential arguments, their emotions, and how they are likely to act. Think about whether you want to respond or leave it alone. I prefer to keep break-ups short and sweet, and one way to do this is by telling your ex you’ll talk some more in the next few days.

Don’t Ghost

Ghosting should be an absolute last resort, only to be used when your life is in danger, or you think you’ll be harmed.

In any other circumstances, ghosting is the cowardly way out. But why? Because you’re choosing to put your own comfort over the other person’s feelings. As an adult, you should own your life and respect the lives of others. It is very likely that the person who has been ghosted will be confused and will look to themselves for fault. This can leave them feeling far more depressed than they need to be and unable to grieve or move on.

When you confront your issues head-on, you feel empowered that you have the courage to make hard choices and see them through with maturity.

Dealing With Threats

If the person threatens to harm themselves or others because of your split, then you definitely made the right move in getting rid of them. Nobody should leverage your emotions against what is right for you. If your ex does this, you need to cut off communications immediately and block them the best you can. Their wellbeing is no longer your responsibility. It’s theirs.

Should You Stay Friends?

No, next question. Just kidding! This will depend on your situation. Most people say it during a break-up to ease the emotional blow. But honestly, all it’s going to do is cause you issues. The biggest red flag for a new partner is when an ex is hanging around. And it’s easy to see why. You’ve already established an emotional and sexual connection with your ex, the groundwork is laid and you’re only one stupid decision away from fucking them again. Be good to yourself and disappear.

Staying friends also leaves the door wide open for a backslide into an on/off-again relationship. Yuck!

Never stay friends under these circumstances;

• Your relationship was toxic
• Your ex-partner was abusive
• Your ex-partner doesn’t respect your new boundaries

Possibly under these circumstances

• You were friends predating your relationship
• Your break-up was amicable/mutual
• Your relationship wasn’t serious
• You have children together
• You work together

The call is yours, but if it impacts your future negatively, run as far as you can.

They’ve Changed. Should I Take Them Back?

You don’t want to make this decision lightly. You also don’t want to make this decision quickly. Take at least a month to consider a move like this and talk to your friends/family/psychologist about it.

Read through the list of issues we made during the planning phase and see if enough of them have been resolved for you to feel comfortable going back.

If you do go back, be very clear that it’s on the proviso that things will be different and that if they aren’t, you’ll be out of there quicker than smart.

I’m Single Again. What On Earth Am I Supposed To Do Now?

Grieve. Be upset. Cry relentlessly. Burn his things. Smash stuff. Make a voodoo doll. Let your emotions out.

What you don’t want to do is put yourself in a situation where you will cave to your better judgement. If you know your partner will be at the gym, then don’t go there. If you know you’ll text them when you get drunk, then don’t get drunk. You’ve come this far, you’ve been through so much pain, don’t slide back now!

Missing them and feeling lonely doesn’t mean you made the wrong move. These are the growing pains of growing into your new single life. If you are really struggling with this, then pull out the list of grievances you made earlier and read through it.

Good Luck & God Speed!

I believe in you. You can do this! Now go and dump that shmuck like the classy bitch you are.

And let me know how you went by dropping me a line at [email protected]

Good luck!!!